Instead of Shouting, will you accept my whisper of Abortion?

I have some precious people that are working on some painful stories about abortion and would like to share them. I will give them a platform if they want.  Different personalities handle conversation in unique ways, and they aren't all as outspoken or transparent as others.........

This is a sister's story of abortion that will remain anonymous. I have no doubt, that she would tell every bit of it to you across a cup of coffee, but as far as wanting her name on the internet, she does not. I have seen her tears of remorse, and shame water the fertile ground of repentance.

" I had been a Christian for 10 years, just suffered a divorce, and argued with God I didn't want to be lonely. I knew he was my Savior, but I wanted someone to hold me, and I found that man. He was seeing someone else, but I fell in love anyway. Everything about this man made my heart race and I was ok with being the other woman and him not wanting to marry me. I knew that I could win him to myself.  About a year into our relationship, I decided  I did not want to be the other woman. I stopped using birth control, and became pregnant. I knew we would soon be a family.

He was angry our relationship was not convenient anymore, and demanded I have an abortion or he would never speak to me again. He blamed me for getting pregnant, told me it would ruin his life and he didn't want or need anymore children. He didn't talk to me for a week, and I was in fear I would be lonely yet again.  He used my addiction to him and came back telling me the only way he would talk to me is if I had the abortion and pay for it myself.

I knew abortion was wrong, but I had not given up hope that I could have my "happily ever after." I called my OBGYN to schedule an appointment instead, hoping an ultrasound picture would change his mind. I called him excited after seeing my little precious baby, with a heartbeat, but it made him angry. I never did show him the ultrasound. He became very distant and only asked if I had scheduled my abortion every time we talked. Reluctantly, I agreed and went to Planned Parenthood on July 3, 2007.

I tried to make a deal with God, and prayed, "If I am just 8 weeks and 2 days I won't do it Lord. I won't! Please give me a sign." I wanted to take the pill to deliver my child without tearing him to pieces. And I knew if I were over 8 weeks, they wouldn't administer the pill. I went into the cold, dark room for the ultrasound and the lady said I was 8 weeks and 2 days! God made good on his end, but I said, "Oh, but Lord. You know I have to do this or he will never love me!" So I continued on with the abortion.

They gave me a pill to dilate my cervix. I waited in a room with several other women. Some laughing and joking. One was a 13 year old girl that was so far along she was showing. She sat there and argued with her mother, pleading that she wouldn't make her go through with this. She wanted her baby. Her mother was angry and told her she was gonna do it because she was too young to be a grandmother and that child would ruin her daughter's life just like she did hers. I was heartbroken and I couldn't understand how so many woman could be there and seem to be happy with their decision. That little girl was the only one who was upset besides me. I fought tears and prayed for the women that they would come to know Jesus and forgiveness. I wanted for them what I didn't think I could have because I knew what I was doing was wrong.

After waiting for what seemed like an eternity, they called my name and took me to a frigid, bright room, had me disrobe from the waste down and handed me a sheet to cover with. My legs were placed in stirrups. The nurse said the doctor would be there shorty and she would be back with him. I was scared and physically shaking. The room wasn't cold but my shivers would have told you otherwise.

I prayed to Jesus to be with me. I was so ashamed of what I was doing. I KNEW I was murdering my child and that my Lord didn't want me to. The nurse  returned with the doctor, but left shortly after and I was left alone with the doctor. In that stark, white room; the doctor gave me a few directions. I asked if the nurse would be back, because I needed someone to hold my hand. He said she'd be back but began his process without her. I was scared and felt alone , but then, I felt the warmth of a body wrapped around mine, firmly  holding me and banishing my shivering. My Jesus held me! I physically felt his loving body against mine.

"I can never escape your spirit! I can never get away from your presence. Even the darkness is not dark to You, And the night is as bright as the day. Darkness and light are alike to You.."
 Ps 139:7&11

When the abortionist was done, I felt the Lord's physical presence leave. I believe he grabbed my baby up and took him to heaven himself. The abortionist said to me this was one of the easiest procedures he had done in a long time and praised me for being such a great patient. I wanted to vomit.I was a great patient but disobedient daughter. They took me to a recovery room, gave me a blanket and told me I could leave whenever I felt like it. I only stayed for 15 minutes.

I was tired, hurt, angry, upset, confused and I just wanted to cry alone. I was broken.
What have I just done!!
There is no more forgiveness for me!

I spent years believing that lie and that I somehow had to make atonement for my sin because murder was so grievous, and as a Christian,  I knew better. I broke the relationship with the baby's father, and eventually went back to church. I went through a recovery program and poured myself into works and serving.

 My baby was due on February 14, 2008. He would have been a Valentine's Day baby. Every February, I remembered him, every year I would walk by yellow roses at the store and pick them up just to hold them, wishing I had a grave to place them. As the years passed, I felt I would never be able to find forgiveness for this one act of total disregard for God's creation. There was a scripture that had burned into my mind that caused me to believe there was no hope for me. Heb 10:26 Dear friends, if we deliberately continue sinning after we have received knowledge of the truth, there is no longer any sacrifice that will cover these sins.  

But one day, in February 2014, there was a sermon based around Hannah's promise to God that she would give her child to him if God would just answer her prayer for a baby. The Pastor explained that Hannah believed her promise would help God have favor, but actually our works do not win us favor, or make atonement for our sin. I then saw the scripture for what it was addressing. It was addressing apostasy. The denial of Jesus Christ and his life death and resurrection. I never denied Jesus was the Son of God, but I believed a lie and found myself in sin. I thought I needed someone else to make me complete, and in my loneliest hour, my lover was not there, but Jesus was. How blind I had been.

In the darkest room filled with the most horrible act I could commit, I thought God would abandon me. I don't think I could have believed he could forgive me had he not come down and held me in my ugliest moment, but he did to prove to me I was never alone, and he was always holding me.  My argument from the beginning was that I needed someone to hold me and he couldn't do that. I had to repent, and I  accepted the Lords atonement for my sin. God never stopped loving me. He never left me. He never loved me less. You too, can find forgiveness, even if you knew, like I did, that it was wrong. Be blessed and may the Lord be with you always!"